I'm most drawn to my partner when I see them in their element — passionate about something, competent. It's when I see my partner as a separate other person: already so familiar, but yet again somewhat mysterious, somewhat unknown, somewhat elusive. In that moment, when they are radiant and in their element, they don't need me. That space between me and the other is where erotic energy lies.
Info & reflection: Perel separates "attracted to" from "drawn to": the second goes deeper, a force of gravity. The mechanism runs against intuition: attraction doesn't grow with closeness and dependence, it grows with separateness. Seeing your partner in their element, not needing you, brings the mystery back. Eros lives in the gap between yourself and the other, not in union. She names three situations where you're "drawn to": (1) the partner in their element, (2) the reunion after an absence, (3) seeing them through other people's eyes. The only gender-specific one: women when he plays with the kids. "When a woman plays with the kids it's called maternal, not desire."